cows & their cud. dogs & their vomit.

Mmm I'm currently sipping some iced chai latte. And as of late I've started making root beer floats with chai concentrate instead of root beer...DO it people. You won't regret it.
Mmm and also currently the IHOP webstream is singing out these heartcries:
"All I want is You. And all I need is found only in Your heart. All I want is You. And all I need is found only in Your heart..."
And in 1,000+ ways every day, it seems, I can feel my heart attracted to Truth, to Light, to this bottom-line-reality...You really are the IT. You really are the Reality. You really are the Point. Of. It. ALL. All else fading. All else passing shadows. All else, mirages at best of the ultimate Reality.
We know this. I know this. But so many thoughts & emotions have seemingly mucked up the simplicity & clarity that I know You want us to live in, to thrive in, daily.

I've been re-reminded as of late, about the temptation to over-analyze in the place of refining/cleansing/preparation seasons in particular.
I was reading over some old journal entries a couple days ago & came upon a teaching from my latest visit to Bethel Church out in Redding, CA. It was entitled "Knowing Your Season."
And I noticed that one of the speaker's points that I had jotted down much of my personal notes about was the bit about "certain personalities really need to be vigilant & aware of their tendency to over-analyze things TOO much...especially counselor-types..."
SHAMA BLAMA.
Precisely. At some point in the analyzing-journey it becomes sin. It really does.
And I confess it has crossed over into sin in my own life many, many, mannny times.
It's as though somewhere deep inside me I have faith in this belief that if I just think enough, hard enough & put on my scuba suit & dive in, introspectively, enough- I shall indeed find all the answers to my unanswered questions. I shall somehow, someday, catch the proverbial carrot in front of this rabbits face, and plum square away why I have yet-unfulfilled desires & as-of-yet unmet preconceived notions & assumptions of how life might go down.
Because, lets be honest now, we probably don't struggle with over-analyzing toooo terribly much when we find ourselves smack-dab in the middle of fulfilled desires.
"Oh God, what have I done wrong to wind up here in this wonderful place of desire fulfilled? What can I change? How can I get out of this? Did you shower down all this blessing or is it my fault? Did I take a wrong turn somewhere??"
Nope. I can't say I've ever probably struggled with over-analyzing when I'm where I "want" to be, where I imagined myself being, swimming in fulfilled desire.

So, as it would turn out, part of what I've called "a healthy self-awareness" is actually unbelief.
Heaps of it. With a good bit of discontentment mixed into the batter as well.
There are certain refining/preparation seasons where God's love seems to compel Him to rain down fresh cleansing of each of our souls like a beautiful, yet intense, Springtime rain. And it seems that can look like many of our external "props" seemingly disappearing & us being left with God. And God inside us.
And loneliness, confusion, fear, weakness, yet-unsatisfied desires/dreams/preconceived life notions seem our companions.
We are of those who are learning to say "my soul is like a weaned child within me."
And with each passing year, Lord willing, God & God inside us ever-increasingly becomes enough.
Our portion.
And we are content in Him alone.

So over-analyzing is really me giving in to a temptation to unbelief because I have attempted, if but for a few moments, to step in to God's role in my life...I have honestly thought, deep down, that I am wholly in charge of my life, wholly dependent upon "achieving" or "earning" the destiny that even God Himself may have spoken over me.
I subconsciously (well, consciously too at times I suppose) intend to accomplish it myself. In my timing & ways.
Sans that whole dependency thang.
Sans that whole waiting thang.
Sans that whole weak, desperate thang.

ICK. ICK. ICK.
I'm acting like an orphan again. "Acting" because that is precisely what it is, acting.
I'm a legit child. Legally, relationally, a CHILD of God. So, therefore, any orphan mindsets, actions, or beliefs require acting on my part. Acting in a role that is not naturally mine.
I'm not my own. I'm bought. A signed, sealed, delivered daughter of God Most High.
Why o why do I waste energies on acting in a role I do not wish on anyone?
We were bought by this God-Man Jesus, at a price so very steep we may never understand or fully know. He willingly paid the price, willingly went to the depths of our utter depravity, to the place so dark it's void of even shadows & grabbed the keys that we might die & step into Him, into His very identity.

I've more than a couple dear friends over the years stop me in one of my myriad verbal-processing moments and tell me "Sarah, babe, you're doing it again, thinking wayyy too much."
Oh. Right. Yes indeed.

Nurturing healthy self-awareness? Heck yes.
Taking regular time to evaluate where God & each of us are & prayerfully inspecting whether each of us is fully engaging our heart in the place of prayer & belief with the Words He's spoken over our lives? Yes. Most assuredly, yes.
Taking personality tests & always learnin a little somethin, somethin about what each of us bring to the table, and how we're each hard-wired so to speak? Sure.

But introspection & analyzing to the point of God becoming A focus, instead of THE focus? NO NO NO.
Ruminating to the point of us setting our gaze on/worshiping our selves or the choices of other humans, moreso than on His splendor, perfection of beauty, holiness, might & all-deservingness? NO NO NO.
Chewing our cud to the point of loosing clear sight of our God in the every moment, loosing the sheer enthrallment of what He's like & how intricately involved He is? NO NO NO..
Talk about a dog going back to it's nasty vomit, over & over again.
Dear God, please NO.
If we are indeed creatures that WILL become what we meditate on...well sweet jeeze.
Over-analyzing self is a trap and we gotta get the HECK outta there.

Teach us to instead analyze Your Word, Your personality, Your thoughts.
Now THATS cud I wanna chew on...over & over & over (apologies for the cow-digestive-system analogies...if you've ever studied the digestive system of a cow you'd completely understand why it's SUCH a fitting picture of how to digest God & the Word, though!).
Talk about life-giving, joy-giving, You-glorifying.
I've quite simply had toooo many moments in life where to wear a smile & laugh my bum off were more natural, not to mention powerful, than the frown or apathy that so quickly wanted to move in & stay a while.
He said His joy is medicine that keeps us strong.
He said He lives inside of us & isn't going anywhere. Ever.
He said He's gonna come back for us & that He's always praying for us, even now.
He said He has a name set aside for each of us, a secret, intimate name that He'll share with us (during a 1-on-1 coffee date He'll have with each of us someday I reckon).
He said don't get toooo caught up on the pragmatics of things, don't go looking for too terribly many formulas (old covenant-style) on how to walk out everyday relationship rightly...JUST LOVE. JUST TRUST Me enough to SUBMIT to one another.

Oh God, I want to worship You in Spirit & in Truth. Mind, soul, body, strength.
Show me the way again today.
"God keeps him or her in PERFECT peace, the one who SETS his or her mind" On her life? On her current situation? On her past? On her future? On her personality type? On her leadership opportunities? On her bank account? On the positive feedback of other humans? On her ministry accomplishments? On her friendships? On her desires? On comparisons with those around her? On the path her family takes? On the path other 28-year-olds take?
Nope.
"God keeps him or her in PERFECT peace, the one who SETS his or her mind on HIM, because they TRUST in God."

So, if you're one of the seemingly many others who're experiencing some o' that cleansing/refining/prepatory rain of God...wellll congrats.
It's a heckova beautiful place to be.