no halfsies.

yup.

no halfsies.

no grey.

no fence straddling.

it's all or nothing.



in recent days, i've been re-struck with the realities of this upside-down Kingdom we've willingly handed our past lives over to, in order to become citizens of. we willingly chose to lay down all the successes, natural giftings, individualistic patterns, controlling/manipulative tendencies, self-gratifying cycles, etc. that once got us what we thought we needed/wanted. and now we...well... we still have those tendencies but now we daily hand them over to God, believing Him to wholly take us back to our original Edenic design, one day, one step, at a time.



we either believe ours is "the God who sees" (Genesis 16.13) 100% everything...like...everything in our lives, in our brainwaves, in our hearts; and "indeed gives what is good"(Psalm 85.12, John 8.36); indeed sets up our lives for wildly extravagant eternal success; or, as followers of other gods & ways & religions would attest to, this Jesus is just simply not God but one heckova good dude.

in this case another god, namely ourselves, takes the driver's seat and we find ourselves mostly alone to fend for ourselves on the wide open road of life, scrounging to gather all we can to "comfort" us in the handful of decades we assume we will have on earth.

but, thing is, this God-Man doesn't really leave the conversation open as to whether He's "just a good guy." He's either THE Way or a homeless wanderer who bantered much about an extremely strange, precarious, never-before-heard-of, insulting, entirely unique, backwards Way; a Way that He headed up. and a Way He then died for, unaware of whether or not a single person would actually accept His offer, love Him back and follow.



i was meandering in conversation with a dear friend the other nite (thanks, jas) about how subtle my doubts, fears and halfsies can really be. how sneaky, and at times subconscious, the deep soul-ponderings are that lead me to wonder if i'm really living life the right way ya know? i mean, is all this dying to self stuff really that necessary? once the Great Exchange goes down & He truly takes up residence inside each of us, all should be rather easy schmeasy for the most part, right?



but then, every so often, i find myself exceedingly reminded that, no no no, following this Man is indeed not easy schmeasy. but it is GOOD.

i remember telling a few friends in the last year or so in particular, that i felt as though i could literally feel God taking a shovel and digging out greater depths inside myself (some may call this "deepening the Well inside ourselves"). and this is GOOD and THRILLING and NEW, when this divine digging happens.

but, here's the deal. it's important to remember that there's also an inevitable pain that goes along with the greater depths being dug out.

as a kid, i remember watching my dad dig a hole for one of his myriad construction projects, and there was always that moment..

step 1: ground is content, settled, undisturbed.

step 2: the shovel comes on the scene and what was once serene & expected is now in a bit of upheaval, dirt strewn about, seemingly chaotic and unexpected holes take over.

[this is about the time the "ahhhhh whaaat the HECK is going on?! why am i so hungry and dissatisfied with what once satisfied??" sets in]

step 3: the new design and purpose has been accomplished and the soil has been re-settled [until the next digging of course :)



sometimes this Path with Him finds me ridiculously hungry, like, ravenously soul-hungry. it always takes me a while to figure out that i'm running amuck trying to sedate or, at the very least, very temporarily satisfy the soul cravings...but, frankly, it just takes some slamming into walls sometimes before i remember "oh yeahhh. i've been here before. this is one of those holes God carved out inside me...thaaaat's right. NOTHING is gonna satisfy this sucker but Him...".



i suppose what i wanted myself and everyone else to hear again is that if you're one of those who are presently keenly aware of the holes, cravings, and unsatisfied longings within yourself, then take heart. choose courage. choose joy & laughter even now. the very presence of aching and longing, of dissatisfaction and lack, is evidence of God's love invading yet another space, another corner, of your being. may the aches be used as a springboard further into your God, and not as an accusation against His utter kindness.

i've heard it said that "there is no growth without discomfort and pain", and i must say that, unfortunately, i've found this to be verrrry true :) but yonkers, He sure is close and kind in the midst of it, ey?

staying in constant, raw conversation with God is of utmost importance. turn all those monologues in your noggin to dialogues with the only One who can show you the Way all over again today, tomorrow, forever.

sometimes the greatest act of faith is jumping up and down, smiling, uproariously laughing our heads off, and yelling out the insane goodness, kindness, patience and love of our God towards each of us, because ours is a God Who is always making us a people who are able to "laugh at the days to come", because we KNOW Him and KNOW that he is perpetually for us, rooting for us, always our strength and song.

take out those old journals and remember your personal history He's been building with you gradually (but powerfully) over days, weeks, and years.

just do whatever it takes to stir up your soul again today with the mighty good medicine of His presence, joy, hope, and humbling but TRUE eternal perspective.

please don't look left and right and compare yourself to anyone else. please don't waste time on believing that lie that maybe you're "too radical, too lovesick". one Truth that all mankind holds in common is that we will each stand before God as an individual someday sooner than we know. we won't be compared in the slightest to so much as one other human.

may you daily give a whole-hearted "yes!" to the path less-traveled, to YOUR path with this Jesus and the Spirit-Friend who giddily has hunkered down and made His home inside you, He's sticking around and not goin anywhere. ahhhhh this. changes. everything!



and if your heart desires more kindred-spirited pals to run all-out with than ask Poppa for them... please just ask Him.



so, friends, let's fully allow ourselves to feel, acknowledge and give over our longings and soul cravings to this God again today. let's not fence straddle in the slightest. let's not temporarily distract or sedate. let's not stutter-step and hesitate to jump all-in. let's all-out run, in every area of our individual lives, but as part of a Family.



it takes Him to even love Him.

yup, we actually need Him to help us even love Him rightly.

this is incredibly frustrating & insulting.

that is, unless i'm leaning into Him. if i'm leaning into Him, my soul clinging to Him, then all is right as rain, all makes sense.
we were creatures DESIGNED to be needy, weak, dependent...on HIM.