Who's in charge here?

‎ Oh, how quickly those things not held with an open hand become idols, small gods which drag us around as they please and which we serve.

It truly is more apparent than ever to me that we human beings are indeed creatures who in our very basic wiring WILL worship. We SHALL continually make either THE God or far, far lesser god(s) our master. Myriad distractions, busy-ness & noise vie for our minds, affections, time and, ultimately, our entire lives.

So, what'll it be? Who or what will I allow to lead me around?

May we not just look to God to guide our months or years...but all those untold moments and hours that no one else will ever see or recognize or praise. This hour is continually turning into the next hour. Every day is continually turning into the next day. It never stops moving and morphing, changing and growing. We will either become the slave or, in God's might, make our thoughts, desires, and days our slaves.

vincent moon. you're a flippin genius.

Love handcuffed to a choice.

One conundrum I've pondered off & on the last 6 years or so in particular is this reality of living in the paradox of knowing, at any given time, if we are found in Christ and Christ is found in us as sons and daughters of God, that we are free to be content/unburdened/whole/secure/soul-rested in God alone always; yet, we need other humans, we need relationships.

We just do.

The following is a little blip of an email from my dear aunt Pam:

"It’s difficult to separate what we want from what God wants for us in each of our relationships. “Genuine indifference to the outcome” is how I want to live every day of my life and that includes all things, relationships among them. When Jesus makes it possible for us to believe that God really has our best interests in mind for every aspect of our lives, it’s possible to just sit back and become an active spectator…Active Spectator...sorry for the oxymoron, but so much of following Christ is paradox and oxymoron."

I really believe with my guts that the paradoxes of life with this Savior are meant not to torment, or leave us "stranded" with our unanswered questions, or to leave us in a state of feeling unsettled. What if these paradoxes of life in relationship and community are a GREAT act of love to provoke us to our lovesick God's side and STAY there. Relationships are, and forever will be on this side of Eternity, full of glory, agony, fun, disappointment, ecstasy, pain, surprise both good and not so good, and outlandish beauty. And we MUST fling ourselves into them, giving our lives and love away as best we know how- not giving in to some goofy mindset that we may somehow "run out of love" if we give away "too much" to others. And what about investing in friendships without the guarantee that those same relationships and heart-friends will always be living life with us in our vicinity, close by.

No, there is no pretty answer, no guarantee to these things. Only the guarantee that the God's kind of love is without limit and He is without any reservation in pouring it through us IF we desire. Daily.

Intimacy, depth of love, and covenant will always be full of paradox. Always. But the thing to meditate on through every up and every down and every moment of numbness is this God. This One that started this whole life & existence thing, the One that spun this planet on it's axis and each human in it's mother's womb for one reason: He longed to share. Share love. Share life. And in our depths we long for the same. We just do. He's a God of not just joy, peace, blessing and love. He is most assuredly completely saturated in those things in His very nature and character. But He is definitely a God of pressure. Of trial. Of paradox. Of provocation. But He provokes because He is compelled to do so by His very nature of love.

So, when, not if, each of us has one of those moments or days (like I just so happen to be having today) where life just seems ick in some ways, when some expectations for how life will roll out before us come crashing into reality head-long...THAT is it. THAT is the GIFT of a moment to let out the Hero, the Brave one that resides in each of us and CHOOSE. Choose to have faith/confidence in this One that willingly rescued us from our abysmal darkness and blindness. Choose to give away that kind of Love that God and each of us perhaps longs for the most:

The kind of love that is handcuffed to a hard choice.

It doesn't come easy, it is not instantly gratifying oftentimes & it is burgeoning with trust in the Person Who is Love itself. This isn't the cute puppies and enjoying someone's presence just when they're happy and chock full 'o life/joy form of love. This is Love handcuffed to a CHOICE, and a harrrrd choice at that sometimes.

If, at any moment, we need an in-the-flesh, outright example of what this looks like, we can and must be still and meditate on this perfectly holy, unblemished, unwrinkled God who decided the right thing to do (not the FAIR thing to do, mind you) would be to come down to our dirty, decaying earth, step inside each of our prison cells, and take our place on death row. Love handcuffed to a choice.

Dear God show me Who you are and what You're like again all over this day. And please give us the strength in You to keep allowing You to carve out more and more and more space inside each of us for Yourself that You may live & move around and love as You alone please. Teach us to be ever-increasingly open-handed, active spectators in our hearts, relationships, longings, work, play, and thoughts...oh make us a people skilled at living in paradox and oxymoron.

With You at our side we are able indeed.

You are mighty good God.

We each know this full well.

You have proven your love time and time and time and time and time again.

You have made the decision to bind Yourself to us in faithfulness.

Teach us, oh teach us to do the same with steadfast hearts brave enough to CHOOSE love. Daily.

Your boundaries are so DAD GUM pleasant!

I. LIIIKE:
Submission.
Spiritual covering.
Accountability.
Real depth/commitment/rawness of friendship.
Covenant.

Boy oh boy, I LIKE THESE.
I AM SO SO SOOOO GRATEFUL FOR THESE.
I LOVE how God designed these boundaries to truly set each of us freeee.

In the same way that water being buzzed through a hose has far more power, & far more directed power than free flowing water just plopping down out of the sky every which way...the boundaries You lovingly set up, or at least long to set up, in each of our lives are GOOD my God. Mighty, mighty good.
The path of least resistance, lone ranger-ness, inbred truth...all these & so much more can be avoided through Your beautiful gift of boundaries and the safety of covenant family.

I LOVE how "faith expressing itself through LOVE" finds an all the more spacious place to roam & express itself in the humility of brotherly/sisterly love in this FAMILY of God.
Oh precious God, THANKS SOOO MUCH for spiritual parents, spiritual bro's & sis'....a FAMILY more legit than just about anything. How quick You are to set us in these deep, powerful, tough but beautiful relationships if we truly long & ask for them.

"LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance." Psalm 16:5-6

Oh God, how I ADORE Your outlandishly loving boundaries.

decisions & family...

But God Told Me ...

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/blog/20138-but-god-told-me-

like this article.
it seems rather balanced in tackling some of the heftier/foundational truths of daily interactions with God and our fellow humans.
i like the emphasis on the value that interactions with our God should be an on-going conversation.
oh God, keep making us a collective people, a Family, humble & confident enough in our identity in You, that we can say from time to time, like the 3 fellows all those years ago who were about to be thrown into a hootenanny hot blazin' furnace, "ya know what? i'm not 100% sure of what i'm doing or where i'm always going or what the point of this current confusion/hardship is or how/if God will show up the way i suppose He will. but you know what else...God really does hold me, hold us. and to the best of my ability, i've attempted to live up to the Truth that i have attained in Him up to today. i've tried my dangdest to be led by the gut-level peace that He alone stirs within my depths that nothing else can touch or take away. i just have..."
and, heck yes, we will still get it wrong sometimes and need to back out of things with love & grace. but SWEET HECK we've been placed in the RAD-EST, most COLOURFUL, WISE, FUN & LOVING Family....EVER. we have wise council, discerning heart-friends & loved ones to help us patiently, trustingly make decisions with our God & eachother.
DANG i love this God.
and DANG i love this Family.

AAAAnd I'll take that burden. Yep, EVERY one. EVERY day. Kay, thanks.

Psalms 55.22 & 1 Peter 5.7 [literal translation of Hebrew]:

"(Cast, cast out, cast away, cast down, cast forth, cast off, hurl, fling, shed) your (care, burden, lot that is given you) onto God and He WILL (contain, feed, sustain, abide, nourish, hold, receive, victual, bear, comprehended) you. He will NEVER let the righteous be (moved, overcome, fall)."

"(Cast, throw) ALL your anxiety onto Him. Why? Because He (cares, is interested in, is concerned) for you."

monks. melodies. meadows.

a lil snippet of my soundtrack for the drive today...


SERIOUSLY y'all.
PLEASE spend some days at a monastery/abbey/convent from time to time if at all possible.

I had SUCH a dreamy time a few days back at Conception Abbey (in Conception, Missouri) hanging out with the monks & their live organ tunes; really being, just BEING, in silence for hours & hours at a time and simply letting this God re-center it all once again...oh when He shows up with His divine plumbline; when He recalibrates all the chaos that can ensue when the eternal being inside me constantly collides with the temporal jungle surrounding it...and does His magic.

I'm so grateful for the reverence and the quiet, brave routine of those living full-blown monastic lifestyles.
God help me continue to implement these life-giving structures/disciplines that make space for greater freedom into my own every day existence.
oh dear me.
really.
so good.
just so, so good.

I'm presently really enjoying this little 122-page gem.
It's written in this ancient form of writing called "sense lines" which helps the reader pause and really ponder certain things without 21st-century-style plowing through.
This collection of thoughts is somethin' else. I find it's already gently but effectively exposing filters I didn't even know I had about this God-Man.

"Most folks think of Jesus
as the man who started Christianity.

But it turns out
he wasn't just a man,
and he didn't just start Christianity.

Most folks think of Jesus
as an other-worldly religious leader,
a great moral teacher,
or maybe they don't think of him at all.

But he had dirty feet,
partied,
cooked breakfast
and got himself killed.

Who was this guy?
Why did people hate him so much?

And why should I care?

Whether you've never looked closely at the Christian faith or you've dismissed it as irrelevant, you owe yourself a glance at a Jesus unencumbered by stereotypes. You might be surprised at what you see..."

me likey.

First Listen: Philip Selway.

yup.
after all this time...
i STILL can't get enough of this.

More Cowbell! - watch more funny videos

EEE-GADS.

oh my.

www.usdebtclock.org

"I'm far happier celebrating the everyday -- less expectation of the EVENT leads to more room for surprise & discovery"

BOOM. SHAKA.
exactly.

music of the moment...


thoughts presently lovingly whomping my boo-tay:

"the Bible says that everyone 'marveled at the words of Jesus.' but Mary 'treasured the words.' there is a difference. she made place in her heart for what was spoken, gave it a safe place to be nurtured until it was birthed. i don't know if it's possible for everyone to do that latter part. i would like to believe it is. so here's the question:
'what would you like to give birth to, what would you like to give place to that would actually impact the course of history for cities, nations? what is it that you would like to carry in your heart?' there may be thousands of us, there may be millions of us. i would like to think that there are many of us carrying the same promises. yet while i know that there are so many that feel the same, i must carry that promise, steward the promise before the Lord, as if i were the only one stewarding it, though. i don't like the arrogant thing that can rise up from out of that, but I must carry that thing before the Lord with excellence..."

billy boy johnson.
bethel podcast 9 august 2010.

this has had me all kinds of excited the last couple weeks:

US billionaires pledge 50% of their wealth to charity.

the mirage of fear.

"i must say a word about fear. it is life's only true opponent. only fear can defeat life. it is a clever, treacherous (often slow but steady) adversary, how well i know. it has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. it goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. it begins in your mind, always. one moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. then fear, disguised in the form of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. but disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. doubt does away with it with little trouble. you become anxious. reason comes to do battle for you, you are re-assured. reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. but, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. you feel yourself weakening, wavering. your anxiety morphs into dread. you make rash decisions (or are just frozen in your tracks). the matter is difficult to put into words. for fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end (or the end or long-delay of a long-standing dream, for that matter), nestles in your memory like a gangrene; it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. so you must fight hard to express it. you must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. because if you don't; if your fear becomes a wordless, formless darkness, an obscure sense of dread that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you."
from Life of Pi

we are commanded to not even put up with so much as a vague sense of dread.
we are commanded to fear God alone.
we are commanded to live as though "Perfect love has thrown out ALL fear. forever. and ever."

this is our inheritance. un-earn-able. simply accepted, on the grounds of God's faithfulness alone.
heck yes the sometimes seemingly incessant whispers of "you don't deserve to daily live in such freedom, such UTTER liberty & joy! you don't deserve to awake every morning and get the chance to lean on the Faithful & True One; the One more dependable than the rising sun!" are true.
we DON'T deserve this dear friends. don't deserve any of this unfathomable, infinite inheritance. but OHHH BABYYY this Jesus HAS earned it & deserves it FOR us.

may every day be one big, fat, nonstop "YES GOD!!!" when it comes to believing what He says about us & whispers to us, instead of the stupid whispers & mirages of fear, dread & even so much as one moment of giving in to the deception of hopelessness.
we (you, me, ALL of us) were the "joy set before Him"
and boy oh boy, may He forever be the joy set before us, too, folks.

this is what i feel like every time the Jesus in me hangs out with the Jesus inside another human...

and this:





and this:

so good.

OH so GOOD.

jumpin jehosaphats.
i DIG being a girly girl sometimes.

"success" success? success!

music of the moment...
she's one of my favorite gals to sing along with.
so good.


welp, i've had my notions of "success" SERIOUSLY challenged again as of late.
like, big time.
i've felt God ushering, inviting, even lovingly luring me into a new level of simplicity.
we're talking MAJOR simplicity folks.
for some many months now, the days of my life have been composed largely of filling out my pocket calender with teaching jobs; coffee dates/bible studies with various family & friends & strangers; baby watching; occasional ministry trips comprised mainly of simply encouraging/song leading/conversations; cooking; listening/being still; jogging; music; outdoors time; reading; exploration & asking God to continually teach me how to love the humans that He's decided will comprise my life nearby geographically & far away geographically.
simple. insanely simple.

it's been one of the most humbling, cleansing, delightful, excruciating, freeing junctures of my journey with this God.
i think it has partly to do with a clashing of unnamed preconceived notions & sowing more into the unseen than the seen.
i'm beginning to see He's removing yet another layer of the disgusting Americanized Christianity that has lived inside me, somehow rather unbeknownst to me, for some time. it's that "selfish ambition" that Paul talks about. it's that go, go, go- find identity in busy-ness & productivity instead of in your God thing.
its that $$$ = fake comfort thing.
it's that house with a mortgage/2 cars/fatty bank account = i've "arrived" or something thing.
stuff that i've always found myself clamoring for, without quite knowing why.
[for an interesting take on this, give "The Overspent American" a looksee.]

and then there's this.
this unsettling, yet remarkably freeing passage in the Bible:

Philippians 2

He Took on the Status of a Slave

^1-4If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand. ^5-8Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.

my, my, my.
this is a whole 'nother level of creativity.
like it. a lot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0F0SXSVAIEI

cows & their cud. dogs & their vomit.

Mmm I'm currently sipping some iced chai latte. And as of late I've started making root beer floats with chai concentrate instead of root beer...DO it people. You won't regret it.
Mmm and also currently the IHOP webstream is singing out these heartcries:
"All I want is You. And all I need is found only in Your heart. All I want is You. And all I need is found only in Your heart..."
And in 1,000+ ways every day, it seems, I can feel my heart attracted to Truth, to Light, to this bottom-line-reality...You really are the IT. You really are the Reality. You really are the Point. Of. It. ALL. All else fading. All else passing shadows. All else, mirages at best of the ultimate Reality.
We know this. I know this. But so many thoughts & emotions have seemingly mucked up the simplicity & clarity that I know You want us to live in, to thrive in, daily.

I've been re-reminded as of late, about the temptation to over-analyze in the place of refining/cleansing/preparation seasons in particular.
I was reading over some old journal entries a couple days ago & came upon a teaching from my latest visit to Bethel Church out in Redding, CA. It was entitled "Knowing Your Season."
And I noticed that one of the speaker's points that I had jotted down much of my personal notes about was the bit about "certain personalities really need to be vigilant & aware of their tendency to over-analyze things TOO much...especially counselor-types..."
SHAMA BLAMA.
Precisely. At some point in the analyzing-journey it becomes sin. It really does.
And I confess it has crossed over into sin in my own life many, many, mannny times.
It's as though somewhere deep inside me I have faith in this belief that if I just think enough, hard enough & put on my scuba suit & dive in, introspectively, enough- I shall indeed find all the answers to my unanswered questions. I shall somehow, someday, catch the proverbial carrot in front of this rabbits face, and plum square away why I have yet-unfulfilled desires & as-of-yet unmet preconceived notions & assumptions of how life might go down.
Because, lets be honest now, we probably don't struggle with over-analyzing toooo terribly much when we find ourselves smack-dab in the middle of fulfilled desires.
"Oh God, what have I done wrong to wind up here in this wonderful place of desire fulfilled? What can I change? How can I get out of this? Did you shower down all this blessing or is it my fault? Did I take a wrong turn somewhere??"
Nope. I can't say I've ever probably struggled with over-analyzing when I'm where I "want" to be, where I imagined myself being, swimming in fulfilled desire.

So, as it would turn out, part of what I've called "a healthy self-awareness" is actually unbelief.
Heaps of it. With a good bit of discontentment mixed into the batter as well.
There are certain refining/preparation seasons where God's love seems to compel Him to rain down fresh cleansing of each of our souls like a beautiful, yet intense, Springtime rain. And it seems that can look like many of our external "props" seemingly disappearing & us being left with God. And God inside us.
And loneliness, confusion, fear, weakness, yet-unsatisfied desires/dreams/preconceived life notions seem our companions.
We are of those who are learning to say "my soul is like a weaned child within me."
And with each passing year, Lord willing, God & God inside us ever-increasingly becomes enough.
Our portion.
And we are content in Him alone.

So over-analyzing is really me giving in to a temptation to unbelief because I have attempted, if but for a few moments, to step in to God's role in my life...I have honestly thought, deep down, that I am wholly in charge of my life, wholly dependent upon "achieving" or "earning" the destiny that even God Himself may have spoken over me.
I subconsciously (well, consciously too at times I suppose) intend to accomplish it myself. In my timing & ways.
Sans that whole dependency thang.
Sans that whole waiting thang.
Sans that whole weak, desperate thang.

ICK. ICK. ICK.
I'm acting like an orphan again. "Acting" because that is precisely what it is, acting.
I'm a legit child. Legally, relationally, a CHILD of God. So, therefore, any orphan mindsets, actions, or beliefs require acting on my part. Acting in a role that is not naturally mine.
I'm not my own. I'm bought. A signed, sealed, delivered daughter of God Most High.
Why o why do I waste energies on acting in a role I do not wish on anyone?
We were bought by this God-Man Jesus, at a price so very steep we may never understand or fully know. He willingly paid the price, willingly went to the depths of our utter depravity, to the place so dark it's void of even shadows & grabbed the keys that we might die & step into Him, into His very identity.

I've more than a couple dear friends over the years stop me in one of my myriad verbal-processing moments and tell me "Sarah, babe, you're doing it again, thinking wayyy too much."
Oh. Right. Yes indeed.

Nurturing healthy self-awareness? Heck yes.
Taking regular time to evaluate where God & each of us are & prayerfully inspecting whether each of us is fully engaging our heart in the place of prayer & belief with the Words He's spoken over our lives? Yes. Most assuredly, yes.
Taking personality tests & always learnin a little somethin, somethin about what each of us bring to the table, and how we're each hard-wired so to speak? Sure.

But introspection & analyzing to the point of God becoming A focus, instead of THE focus? NO NO NO.
Ruminating to the point of us setting our gaze on/worshiping our selves or the choices of other humans, moreso than on His splendor, perfection of beauty, holiness, might & all-deservingness? NO NO NO.
Chewing our cud to the point of loosing clear sight of our God in the every moment, loosing the sheer enthrallment of what He's like & how intricately involved He is? NO NO NO..
Talk about a dog going back to it's nasty vomit, over & over again.
Dear God, please NO.
If we are indeed creatures that WILL become what we meditate on...well sweet jeeze.
Over-analyzing self is a trap and we gotta get the HECK outta there.

Teach us to instead analyze Your Word, Your personality, Your thoughts.
Now THATS cud I wanna chew on...over & over & over (apologies for the cow-digestive-system analogies...if you've ever studied the digestive system of a cow you'd completely understand why it's SUCH a fitting picture of how to digest God & the Word, though!).
Talk about life-giving, joy-giving, You-glorifying.
I've quite simply had toooo many moments in life where to wear a smile & laugh my bum off were more natural, not to mention powerful, than the frown or apathy that so quickly wanted to move in & stay a while.
He said His joy is medicine that keeps us strong.
He said He lives inside of us & isn't going anywhere. Ever.
He said He's gonna come back for us & that He's always praying for us, even now.
He said He has a name set aside for each of us, a secret, intimate name that He'll share with us (during a 1-on-1 coffee date He'll have with each of us someday I reckon).
He said don't get toooo caught up on the pragmatics of things, don't go looking for too terribly many formulas (old covenant-style) on how to walk out everyday relationship rightly...JUST LOVE. JUST TRUST Me enough to SUBMIT to one another.

Oh God, I want to worship You in Spirit & in Truth. Mind, soul, body, strength.
Show me the way again today.
"God keeps him or her in PERFECT peace, the one who SETS his or her mind" On her life? On her current situation? On her past? On her future? On her personality type? On her leadership opportunities? On her bank account? On the positive feedback of other humans? On her ministry accomplishments? On her friendships? On her desires? On comparisons with those around her? On the path her family takes? On the path other 28-year-olds take?
Nope.
"God keeps him or her in PERFECT peace, the one who SETS his or her mind on HIM, because they TRUST in God."

So, if you're one of the seemingly many others who're experiencing some o' that cleansing/refining/prepatory rain of God...wellll congrats.
It's a heckova beautiful place to be.